Keynote speech by Ed Milliband new Labour Leader

"Look, let's be clear about this: I am not and never have been Gordon Brown, who of course was to blame for everything and I never liked him anyway. What I do have is a few worries about immigrants, a head of steam with which to fight mill-owning Tory infidels, and access to Ed Balls' gigantic brain with which to maul pipsqueak Old Etonian drapers. The policies used as weapons in this Holy Jehad will have been received by me direct from the hand of Mrs God (Harriette) , and will in turn be spread far and wide by the North English & Caledonian Society for the Propagation of the Labour Gospel (Old Testament revised version, 2010).
Unlike Lord Mandelson, I feel profoundly uncomfortable with the idle rich, and tend to come out in protesting hives whenever accidentally exposed to them. Thus will my trusty fag Mr Balls ensure that their riches are decimated by taxation in very short order. However, I find Trade Union officials to be well-intentioned and generous donors, although much maligned by the popular press which, at times, sails perilously close to the wind of change.
Above all, I accept the necessity for cuts, and pledge here and now to cut the hours worked by every teacher, nurse, civil servant, woman, black person, immigration official and export manager".

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